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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29878056">Take me back again</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/theinvisiblegirl05/pseuds/theinvisiblegirl05'>theinvisiblegirl05</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Bohemian Rhapsody (Movie 2018), Queen (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>1970s Era Queen (Band), Brian May's 1974 Hepatitis Diagnosis, I Made Myself Cry, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, Major Charakter Death, One Shot, POV Roger Taylor, Poor Roger, Sad, Sad Ending</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 08:42:46</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,515</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29878056</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/theinvisiblegirl05/pseuds/theinvisiblegirl05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>It's not easy to handle the fact that your best friend died.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Brian May &amp; Roger Taylor, Brian May/Roger Taylor</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>20</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Take me back again</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hey,<br/>I know I am supposed to work on my other story but I just had to write that.<br/>Please comment if you liked this and if it made you feel something.<br/>Enjoy! :)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sighing, Roger sat down at the kitchen table and stuck his fork into his spaghetti bolognese. He had oversalted it, again. Since Brian had been in hospital, Roger's diet had deteriorated massively, because normally it had been Brian who had cooked for them both. </p><p>Brian managed, in a way that was inexplicable to Roger, to make something edible out of everything. He, on the other hand, couldn't even fry a fried egg without it burning. But soon he wouldn't have to worry about that any more, the last time Roger had been with him he seemed much better and the doctors said he could be discharged from hospital in about 2 weeks. </p><p>Just then, the phone rang. Roger recognised John Reid's number and picked up. "Hey, John! I hope it's something important, you just interrupted my dinner," he joked.</p><p>"Hello, Roger. " John's voice sounded strange, somehow as if he was afraid, and Roger looked at his wristwatch. It showed 2.38 pm. For a long time he had had this terrible habit of looking at a clock whenever he felt he was expecting some particularly bad or good news. The last time he had done this was when he had found out that they were going on a tour of the USA. At that time it had been 5.03 pm.</p><p>John hadn't spoken further, so Roger now asked more hesitantly, "What is it?" </p><p>He heard John clear his throat and exhale shakily. What the hell could have happened that was so bad?</p><p>"Listen, Roger, it, you. I'm so terribly sorry, but. But, Brian, Brian..." John sobbed and Roger began to panic. What was going on with Brian? Why was John crying? Nervously he looked around the room, noticing things he usually skilfully ignored. A long-legged spider was sitting on the wall, the cooking apron from earlier was on the floor, Brian's basil plant had wilted.</p><p>He didn't dare ask John what was going on with Brian, he didn't even want to know. Maybe he could just hang up and go and see Brian himself. But John was already clearing his throat again "I'm so sorry Roger, but Brian died last night. “</p><p>For a moment the world seemed to stop and it was so quiet that Roger could hear the soft ticking of his watch.</p><p> Tick. Tick. Tick. </p><p>"They don't know exactly what it was yet, but the doctor said it had nothing to do with hepatitis. There was probably a sudden cardiac arrest." </p><p>Tick. Tick. Tick.</p><p>Roger was no longer really listening, John's voice sounded muffled and distant, he was still staring at the plant and its brown leaves.</p><p>Brian will never water them again.</p><p>Tick.</p><p>Brian won't complain about not watering them.</p><p>Tick.</p><p>Brian will never stand here in the kitchen again.</p><p>Tick.</p><p>Roger felt sick. He hung up the phone and ran into the bathroom to bend over the toilet bowl. There he gagged and retched, bent over, but nothing came. Shivering, he leaned against the cold wall and slid down it. He wanted to cry, wanted to scream, wanted it all to stop. It just didn't make sense, someone like Brian couldn't and shouldn't just die. Someone like Brian couldn't just disappear. It just didn't make sense.</p><p>Roger closed the toilet lid, rested his head on it and allowed himself to think about their last meeting.</p><p>***</p><p>Carefully Roger closed the door to Brian's room, not wanting to wake him, just check in on him, but Brian wasn't asleep at all. "Hey, Rog." </p><p>Roger jumped up, "Jesus, Bri! I thought you were asleep!" he turned to Brian who was sitting upright in his bed and gave him one of his smiles that made Roger forget all his worries. </p><p>"No, I have to say that I am feeling much better today and also the doctor said earlier that I might be able to go home in a fortnight."</p><p>Roger went over to him and sat down on the chair next to the bed. Brian did indeed look better than last time, his face had more colour and his eyes showed hope. Something Roger had not been able to find in his facial expression for a long time.</p><p>"How nice! Then we finally have a guitarist fit to play again.", he reached for Brian's hand and looked at the long, elegant fingers he had long envied. Brian enclosed Roger's hand with his fingers. </p><p>"I wrote a new song," Brian murmured as he looked at her clasped hands.</p><p>"Freddie will be pleased, he's already going completely mad because he thinks he has to write the whole new album himself."</p><p>"And you?"</p><p>"I'm just glad you're feeling better," he smiled and looked at Brian, who smiled back. Roger thought he saw him blush too, but it was probably his imagination. Roger shook his head, he had made up his mind to stop.</p><p>Brian let go of his hand and ran it through Roger's hair instead. "I already thought it was over with me. When they said I had hepatitis."</p><p>"Don't say that, you're strong and we need you," Roger replied, "I need you."<br/>
Brian smiled sadly "I know." and Roger wondered if he knew about his feelings.</p><p>Knew that Brian was more than a best friend to Roger, but didn't dare bring it up. He could lose too much and Brian should recover first, Roger could also tell him in three weeks or in a month. Maybe in a year or even later, maybe never, it would just mess everything up. Now Roger was just happy to be with Brian and he crawled into bed with him, cuddled up on Brian's shoulder, breathed in his scent.</p><p>"I was so scared." He murmured into Brian's shoulder and was suddenly overcome by a wave of sadness, relief and fear all at once. He sobbed and shook and Brian hugged him, whispering over and over "Shh, I'm with you. It's going to be alright. “. They sat like that for a long time, clinging to each other, unwilling to let go of the other, unwilling to let the moment go.</p><p>But eventually it got dark outside and Freddie and John were surely waiting, Roger got up and went to the door. "See you soon, Bri." ,he said goodbye. Brian raised his hand and just as Roger was about to leave the room he said, "Rog." </p><p>Roger looked at him, looked into his so familiar dark eyes "Yes?" </p><p>"We, we have time, okay." </p><p>"Okay?", Roger replied confused and was about to ask what Brian meant by that, but Brian just smiled at him again and turned around in his bed.</p><p>Quietly he closed the door behind him. What did Brian mean by that? We have time. Time for what? He resolved to ask him next time.</p><p>***</p><p>He will never be able to ask him, Roger realised. He will never see him again, never make him laugh again, never make music together again, never be able to talk about his feelings, never, never again....</p><p>The pain that came next was unbearable. It felt as if his body was being torn in half from his heart. Roger whimpered and clung to the first best object he could reach. The handle to the drawer under the sink. Brian will never touch that again to open it either... As if he were boiling hot, Roger immediately let go of the handle and curled up into a ball instead. </p><p>It couldn't be true. It was ridiculous. He had been so strong, he had beaten hepatitis and then this. Brian couldn't just be gone, forever. Why couldn't Roger just wake up from this fucking nightmare. Just wake up, please...</p><p>But Roger didn't wake up, he just stayed on the floor, afraid to get up and go on living without Brian. </p><p>When the doorbell rang, he had to get up after all. On the way there, he just looked at his feet, he didn't want to see anything that belonged to Brian, because he was afraid he would collapse again. </p><p>Freddie was standing in the doorway. He had obviously been crying too, his eyes were still red and his skin was blotchy. "Oh, Rog." was all he said, and Roger felt water gathering in his eyes again, but he didn't want to cry. He had to be strong for Freddie.</p><p>Still, he didn't manage to look at Freddie and instead stared at his shoes, which had been placed next to the door. </p><p>"Look," Freddie began, "I thought it would be better if we all slept here tonight. Deaky's coming too." </p><p>Roger nodded but said nothing. Instead, he continued to stare at his shoes and tried to figure out how they were laced. Always with the left or the right part of the lace first? He felt Freddie's gaze but did not look up. At some point Freddie entered, took off his jacket and walked past Roger into the living room. Roger was glad he didn't say anything.</p><p>Finally he tore his gaze away from the shoes and followed Freddie, the plate with his food was still on the table and Roger cleaned it up. He was no longer hungry anyway. </p><p>They both sat on the couch and were silent. Roger didn't want Deaky to come, he would cry and then he wouldn't be able to control himself either. They would probably talk about Brian, but Roger didn't want that either.</p><p>He missed him so much already and still couldn't understand that he was dead. Mean as it sounded, Roger wished Freddie would leave again. Then he could just lie down in bed and sleep. And forget everything for a few hours. </p><p>Freddie stood up when the bell rang, Roger remained seated. He tightened his legs and tried to block out Deaky and Freddie's conversation.</p><p>"He, he's gone. Freddie. He's gone," he heard Deaky sob. Oh no, Deaky, Roger thought. He didn't know himself why he was suddenly so angry with John.</p><p>Freddie and John sat down and Freddie stroked John's back soothingly. Roger did look up now, and met Freddie's eyes, which were trying to blink away tears. When Freddie noticed him looking at him, he nodded his head towards John to tell him to comfort him too.</p><p>Somehow this little movement managed to freak Roger out.</p><p>"Why should I comfort him? Why do I have to be strong while he gets to cry? I lost him too! And anyway, you are much better off than I am. He meant much more to me than to you!" he shouted. Freddie and John stared at him in shock. Freddie's hand had frozen on John's back and John had suddenly stopped crying. Roger buried his head in his hands and let the air out of his lungs, trembling. What were they both staring at?</p><p>"Roger," Freddie said in a serious tone, "we know how much Brian meant to you, and no one is forbidding you to cry, but I thought we could comfort each other. It's a big loss for all of us, you know." </p><p>But once Roger got upset, it was hard to calm him down.</p><p>"A great loss for all of us? That sounds like he's an object. Like it's only bad because now we don't have a guitar player! My fucking best friend died! “</p><p>He jumped up, his hands shaking. Out of desperation, he threw every object he saw out of the window. Books, vases, magazines and cushions, everything flew out. He had had fits like this a few times before and only Brian had been able to calm him down. And now no one was stopping him, Freddie and John were watching but did nothing to stop him.</p><p>Only when Roger reached for one of his guitars did Freddie get in his way. "Stop it. You'll only regret it," but it didn't work.</p><p>"Let me through," Roger grumbled.</p><p>"I certainly won't," he crossed his arms and John quickly took the guitar from Roger's hand. Frustrated, Roger cried out and paced the room like a tiger in a cage. To be on the safe side, John quickly closed the window and stood in front of it. </p><p>After the anger had faded a little, Roger trudged into his room and dropped onto his bed. He buried his face in the pillow and finally fell asleep, exhausted.</p><p>***</p><p>It was a warm summer's night, the sky was studded with stars and the news that they could now go on tour to America made the moment seem perfect. Roger sat in the garden on the lawn, which had not been mown for too long, and smoked. </p><p>He heard someone coming up behind him and didn't have to turn around to find out who it was. Even Brian's steps had always been somehow gentle and deliberate.</p><p>"May I?" asked Brian and Roger nodded to him. He sat down next to Roger and looked up at the starry sky. "So we'll soon be stars too, then, eh. I mean USA, Rog. Seems to me like only yesterday we were complaining about only playing simple pubs. “</p><p>Roger exhaled the cigar smoke in Brian's direction, whereupon he began to cough violently.</p><p>"You're still too well-behaved for America," laughed Roger, "but yes, you're right. We are world stars. Ha! And Tim said we wouldn't make it."</p><p>"Just because I don't approve of your smoking doesn't mean I'm too good for America. And besides, you're going to need someone to look after you. You wouldn't last a night without me."</p><p>"Maybe so," Roger replied and lay down with his back on the floor, Brian did the same. They both stared into the endless expanse of space for a while until Roger said, "I think my life begins now."</p><p>"What do you mean?"</p><p>"Well, that's what I've always wanted. To be free, to make music, to move around the world."</p><p>"I always thought I'd be a scientist," Brian said without taking his eyes off the sky. "For me, music was always just a hobby and suddenly, suddenly all doors are open to me."</p><p>Roger reached for Brian's hand. "You, Brian?" he squeezed it once.</p><p>Brian turned his head to Roger "Hmm?"</p><p>"Promise me that we will always stay together. No matter what happens. We'll experience it together."</p><p>Brian smiled "I promise."</p><p>Satisfied, Roger looked back up, but didn't let go of Brian's hand. "I can't believe it, we're rock stars, Bri, rock stars!"</p><p>"Me neither, me neither," Brian whispered.</p><p>***</p><p>Roger woke up suddenly. Wait, was this all a dream? A fucking nightmare? He was about to laugh, why was he dreaming that Brian was dying, when he heard Freddie's voice from the living room. If Brian wasn't dead, why would Freddie be here?</p><p>The realisation that it had all really happened hit Roger so hard that he couldn't breathe for a moment. Brian was gone, forever. He had not kept his promise. Sobbing, he turned over in his bed and wondered how he would ever manage to get over it and go on living. </p><p>He wished for only one thing with all his heart:</p><p>Take me back again.</p>
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